And now I want it more than ever believe me
by dyingtotell
Summary: When the TARDIS lands in Stormcage with the brakes turned off and The Doctor offers no overly dramatic 'romantic' gesture, River knows something's wrong.


And now I want it more than ever believe me

**Set semi-early in The Doctor's timeline, after Area 52, but around the time that he's finally coming to terms with just how much River means to him; he's loved her for longer than he cares to admit, but it's only now that he's brave enough to talk about it.**

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When the TARDIS materialises inside her cell at Stormcage with the brakes off and no sign of The Doctor, River tends to get suspicious.

The occasions where this happens are, to be fair, quite rare. But this only enhances River's hesitance on entering the TARDIS.

When she was younger, she paid hardly any attention to the manner in which the TARDIS appeared in her cell. instead focusing on the butterflies in her stomach and the feeling of excitement for what was to come. Most times, The Doctor has purposely landed without the brakes because he feels it sets the 'romantic' mood if he starts the night in her good books; either this or because he's already in her bad books and is trying his best to get out of them.

However, the older she gets and the further along in their timeline she finds herself, River becomes increasingly more tentative when it happens; aware of the fact that The Doctor somewhere inside the TARDIS is probably young, and probably didn't intend to land there at all - maybe it was the TARDIS signalling that he was in trouble and on many occasions, this was the case.

Discarding her worries, River enters the TARDIS hoping that this _is _The Doctor attempting to be romantic.

The control room showed no signs of distress or danger, but then she noticed The Doctor sat on the console steps with a scarf of Amy's that River recognised wrapped tightly around a wound on his arm. He hadHe ha tears running down his face and ripped clothing, looking like his whole world had come crashing down around his ears.

'Sweetie? Doctor? What's happened? Are you okay? Where's Mum and Dad? Are they okay?'

Rushing towards him and kneeling in front of him, River wondered what possibly could have happened to make him this distraught. It was only when she got close enough to him to clearly study his figure that she realised that even though he wasn't severely physically wounded, his hands were covered in the blood of another.

'Doctor...what's happened?' No response.

'Please Doctor you need to talk to me. What's going on? What's happened to your arm? Whose blood is this? Where's Mum and Dad?'

Finally gaining his voice, The Doctor stared at River and spoke.

'Diaries.'

'Diaries, what? Doctor? What about diaries?'

'Our diaries. Your diary. Mine. We've not synchronised. How do you know that I know Amy and Rory are your parents?'

Fuck.

Oh, this hurt. And at the most inappropriate time as well.

She knew he was getting young, but this was the first time since she'd met him all of those years ago in Berlin that he had hinted not knowing who her parents were.

Fuck.

She isn't prepared for this. She isn't ready for their time to be running out. She's had so many years, so many wonderful, happy and beautiful years and yet, she still isn't ready.

She won't ever be ready for this.

Taking a deep breath, River soldiered through; 'No. No, we haven't. My mistake, Doctor, just lucky that you do know, I guess...Doctor, where are they? Please just tell me, are they safe?'

Silence.

Growing irate, River persisted, 'Doctor, please! They're my parents, I just need to know if – '

'Yes. Yes, they're fine. They went to bed a while ago, they needed to rest; we just got into a bit of a trouble with a few angry human gangers in the 37th century. Funny really, human's never learn. A group of "scientists" had created and entrapped the ganger's for "experimental purposes" and intended to discard of them when they had their results. What they obviously didn't count on was the fight the ganger's would put up once the human's were finished with them.'

'Doctor, the blood on your hands...where's that from?'

The Doctor looked down, obviously reluctant to speak to her. Curling up his fists and clenching his jaw, he wiped his hands on his trousers, then stood and walked up the steps to the control panel. Facing away from River, full of tension, he began to speak.

'After your parents went to bed, I thought "hey, wouldn't it be a good idea to go and find River? Wouldn't that be a fantastically, brilliant idea? River could brighten up my day! And hey, I might even leave the brakes off when I land, that'll please her!'

Standing up and tentatively approaching him, River climbed the console steps and waited at the top for him to continue.

'But my plans never go to plan, do they? No. Not when you've got a type 40 TARDIS that just does whatever the hell she wants to!'

Kicking the console in frustration, The Doctor's rage appeared to dissipate slightly. Bowing his head and gripping the console, he continued.

'Why is it that the places I want to go are never the places I "need" to go? I ended up on Axgrozensia of all places, the planet of the Kinars, where war has been raging basically since time began. As soon as I left the TARDIS I knew something bad was going to happen. Nothing good ever comes out of a trip to Axgrozensia. And I was right. Within 5 minutes of running for my life, a young Mother I met was lying in my arms bleeding to death. 5 minutes I'd been there, 5 poxy little minutes and I'd already failed. She had 3 children and a husband; she couldn't have been more than 25.'

Now extremely melancholy, The Doctor turned to face River who was still stood in the same position.

'Do you know what the most ridiculous thing about that planet is, River? It's the fact that their war is over the most pathetic and bigoted reasons. Axgrozensia is one of the most judgemental places I have ever visited and anyone that wishes to be different or 'threaten' Axgrozensia's regimental society is shunned and pushed out of the eyes of the people. I've never known a place like it.

This woman, this strong, young woman who could've done so many things in her life, was killed for standing up for her own rights as a mother and a woman. What kind of place is that? Now there's 3 children under the age of 7 left without their Mum and I feel completely responsible for something that I shouldn't be involved in to begin with!'

Sinking to the ground, The Doctor looked at River.

'And you know the worst thing about the whole situation? The part that upset me the most, River?'

'Go on, my love' she replied to his request tenderly, slowly approaching him to sit on the floor in front of him.

'It was the thought of you. The thought of you getting hurt because of me. Throughout the whole time that I held that woman in my arms, all I could think of was how her family would feel; how her husband would cope. And it made me realise a few things; that if our time is all mixed up and timey-wimey, then we need to make the most of it. We need to do everything we can before– '

The Doctor trailed off before he said something he knew he shouldn't. He didn't want to think of that. Not now, not ever. Spoilers.

'But Doctor, we do make the most of it or at least we make the most of what we can out of a difficult situation. And I – I don't know how this, how _we_, end, but we both know it's going to, sooner rather than later for me, nothing lasts forever.' She smiles sadly, she moves to sit next to him, taking his hand 'but – but however it does, I will not ever regret one single second of being with you, and I know full well that in all the years we've had – that years that I've had – that we most definitely did everything we could. We travelled the stars and we ran and we loved. What more could a girl ask for? You're worried now about what's going to happen in the future, but don't you worry, because you give me everything you possibly could. Focus on today and the fact that we're both here, together.'

Once she finishes talking, she turns to look at The Doctor, who is staring at her with a look she can't place; somewhere between love, hurt, confusion and happiness. And then he kisses her, he kisses her with a passion that she hasn't felt from him from a long while; she's guessing that he's slightly older than the Doctors' that she's been seeing lately, and she cherishes it. She cherishes in the fact that he's here with her and kissing her; loving her. Because she knows she hasn't got much of this left.

As the kiss becomes more heated, The Doctor starts to lift River's top, and as much as she wants and needs him, he's still covered in blood and injuries that need seeing to.

'Sweetie- Doctor- Doc-' Hmng 'Sweetie, you need – we need to get you cleaned up. Doctor, come on.'

Finally able to push him gently off her, River stands and offers The Doctor a hand.

'Come on, let's go and get you sorted out and then we can get you cleaned up properly in the shower'

As River goes to drag him out of the console room with a wink, The Doctor stops her.

'River, just – ah – just tell me one thing. I'm not asking for spoilers or an insight to my future, but I – I – you are happy aren't you? I mean, obviously it's difficult to be happy that you're travelling backwards in a relationship, of course I'll be in your position one day and it most definitely won't be easy for me and it'll hurt like crazy, but – but would you change this? Honestly and truthfully, would you?'

Letting go of his hand and cradling his face instead, she kisses him lightly and breathes him in.

'The only thing I would change about our relationship, Doctor, is the amount you babble' she giggles and she's see's the frustration on The Doctor's face at her apparent avoidance of the question 'but seriously? After all of these years with you, if I wasn't happy, do you really think I wouldn't say? I'm a big girl, Doctor, if I didn't want this, I wouldn't be here. I love you, you make me happy, I make you happy and that's all there is to it. Okay?'

He nods, clearly full of emotion.

'And like I said, if I wasn't happy, I'd speak up. You of all people know just how _vocal_ I can be, Sweetie.' Speaking the sentence in a seductive purr, River stalked off into the TARDIS, clearly expecting The Doctor to follow her.

'Come on now, Sweetie, I'm in need of a good, long scrub in the shower and I might just need a hand...'

Speechless, The Doctor wonders if River will always get him flustered the way she does at the moment by just a sentence. And as he follows her with a newly formed giddiness, he realises that despite the situations that people can find themselves in, you've got to make the best out of what you've got. Take the young woman he found in Axgrozensia; she had 3 children and a husband, but at least she had them, if only for a short period of time. And at least her children will grow up knowing that their mother died fighting for the right reasons; plenty of others don't get to feel the amount of love that she did, and for that, she is lucky.

And as The Doctor realises just how lucky he is to have River, and despite knowing that the Singing Towers and the library are looming somewhere in the future, he remembers what River said - "all the years we've had" – and he knows that no matter what happens, and no matter how difficult it may be, he is going to make every last second count.

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This is my first ever story so I would really appreciate your comments and concrit! The title's taken from Holiday Parade's _Make it Count_, no copyright infringement intended! Also, I don't own _Doctor Who_, or any of the characters mentioned in this story (except the family from Axgrozensia; they're my creation), they're all property of the BBC & The Moff.


End file.
